My encounter with the skinny jeans.

My apologies for the silence. I had a very interesting experience last week with skinny jeans (or as skinny as jeans get for my ample figure). Let me share.

So I was wasting time at the mall last week (and don't even get me started; I spent three bloody days in a row wasting time at the mall). I stopped in Torrid — where I got my white trench — because they have funky clothes in my size (and let me tell you, these hips don't lie). And they have a couple clearance racks. I like clearance racks.

My initial goal was to get a long tank top with lace edging on the bottom, which I'd seen on the rack the last time I was in the store. I found it, and it's great for layering, and I'm wearing it today, incidentally. Having caught my quarry so quickly, I moved to the back of the store and the aforementioned clearance racks. I found a double-knit, short-sleeve, cotton hoodie with skulls. (Which I layered on top of the tank top today.) And then I saw jeans on the clearance rack. I grabbed a pair in my size, not really reading the label much; it had cute embroidery on the butt pockets. (What can I say? Sometimes cute embroidery weakens my resolve.)

I went in the fitting room, shucked off the lame-ass clothes I was wearing that day, and put on the new stuff. And then I looked down, because my calves were suddenly constricted and gasping for air. "What is this?" I wondered to myself. "Surely I must be hallucinating." And as I looked curiously at my calves, I also noticed this weird puddle of denim concealing my feet. The sort that would be tattered and dirty after 10 minutes of walking around. I swear, there were at least four inches of extra fabric there. Normally I don't bemoan such things; I am tall enough that pant lengths are barely enough to reach the tops of my shoes.

All in all, the jeans didn't look that bad. I mean, they even made my butt look kinda good. (Must've been the cute embroidery.) But I was far too freaked out by my strangulated calves to consider purchasing them. But as I said, I did get the tank and the sweater.

Also, the liquor store that is on the northern end of town is moving closer to my office. Today. And by closer I mean a half-block away (across the street from my parents' church, too). It's like they know we need them nearby or something.