Secret things, Part II

I think that more people have barriers than let on. Another example of my personal barriers is when I talk about myself to people. I hadn't even realised this until a friend of mine pointed it out. I catch myself often keeping the barrier up - not necessarily adding to it, but not tearing it down, either. If one didn't have barriers, however, one would feel so exposed and naked. I don't know if my psyche can handle that at this point in time.

There are many things I don't deal with well; being exposed is only one of them. I deal surprisingly well with death, at least in the beginning. Problems only crop up when I shove the feelings deep down within myself and try to hid them. The interesting thing about that is that it happens all the time. Somehow the current societal norm has become shoving everything down inside and not showing emotion. Showing emotion has become equated with showing weakness. I don't think this is the case. Quite the contrary, I think that showing emotion is strength. Strength in oneself and willingness to bare everything.

Back to barriers. I find another large block in my source of creativity. It's almost that it is hard for me to be creative, at least harder that it used to be. When I get a brilliant idea, I want to really make something of it; I want to pour it out of where it's hiding and bring it into full potential. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. I have multitudes of story ideas that never get past an introductory stage, a myriad of compositions in my head of various media, and bits of papers everywhere that show plans for this or that. These things never get built up but instead remain ghosts of the original ideas that birthed them. I find this a little unfair. If I could have one idea that came out the way I wanted it to [the way I see things in my mind], then that would be a start. I think that after I saw my idea become reality, I would feel more motivated to create more things, and the cycle would go on again.

Motivation, however, is this whole other thing; it is a big step that I need to find. After all, someone once told me that I was a butterfly that was finally learning how to use her wings, or something eloquent like that. Of course, this same person told me that many people find it hard to be themselves, but that I do it very well. Sometimes I'm not so sure, but that's what this is all about - a blank slate to start over.