Secret things, Part I

Keeping things to oneself is a defense mechanism. I do it more than anyone would guess. It's a habit formed early in life; I must have begun it somtime around junior high or high school. Now that I'm a junior in college, I wonder why some things are kept closer inside than others. I'm surprised how many people notice it, really, but I'm even more surprised by the people who don't. But I won't talk about those people at this juncture. I want to talk about the secret things.

I put up barriers. In voice lessons, for example, I am somehow unable to let the music flow out of me. There is a sort of barrier up that is afraid to let too much through. The barrier has been up so long that I've forgotten what it is made of and now don't know how to take it down, either gently or by force. My voice professor has to remind me every time, every lesson, that I just need to relax and let it go. Part of this is nervousness - he is a very tall and intimidating man - and part of this is lack of practice. After lessons once a week for a few semesters, though, you'd think I'd be able to remember that bit of information. It's somewhat crucial if one wants to track progress.

I'll be back later for Secret things, Part II.